Liberating

Its been almost a month when I stopped pumping/expressing my breastmilk... No, I haven't stopped breastfeeding - we are still on it and with J showing no signs of stopping or weaning. Yay!

But he weaned early from drinking expressed breastmilk. Around November last year, J just stopped. Just like that. As his previous yaya (yep, bye-bye to first yaya of two years... Nearly broke my heart!) said on the first day he didn't drink his usual breastmilk on the cup, "its as if he wanted to puke when he leaned the cup to his mouth and smelled the milk, and not even tasting it." I got worried, I thought she was giving him a spoiled bmilk. But when we checked the date, it was still ok, so with the smell and consistency. J's previous yaya, for having done thawing and preparing bmik for J for almost two years, she has mastered checking if the milk is right or not, of course, with my assistance and constant information sharing (don't want to call it "lecture" hehe!). It made us wonder if its really the milk. But J has not stopped breastfeeding directly but doesn't like the expressed bmilk. Hmmm... I was in denial at first that maybe J was already weaning from expressed bmilk - it was almost like having a heart break, no joke. So I told yaya1, to try giving expressed bmilk again the next day but still got the same reaction. I wasn't giving up, i told yaya1 again to give him milk the next day and use the milk expressed just the day before that. I was thinking, maybe J wants fresh. But to no avail...

I still didn't give up... Told yaya1 to hold giving bmilk and proceed a week after - thought maybe J is still in trauma from getting his fingers burned. 

J's burned finger

What happened? Read the story here.

Oh well, a week after, J still didn't drink his milk. Gave up? Almost... I was also getting worried that J may not have enough source of calcium. I thought of giving him fresh milk, but he didn't like it.

Sigh! I texted my breastfeeding friends and doctors to ask about J's situation... I know, I could be stubborn. Hee! Hee! They told me its normal and as long as I continue to pump to maintain lactation, direct breastfeed J more often (ayayay!) and give other sources of calcium, everything will be ok. That's it! White flag is up for you, J!

So i pumped and pumped and pumped... Till our freezer swelled with breastmilk... 

Breastmilk in fridge - hoping for J to consume
(already donated the other half of this stack)

I donated to a hospital, to mothers with decreasing supply and to a mother of triplets. Twas rewarding... At the same time, happy that J still enjoys mommy's milk.

Before J turned two, I was able to talk to moms who breastfed and are breastfeeding toddlers, I asked how long they pumped/expressed their milk or how long are they planning to express their bmilk. Most of them shared that they parked their pump at their baby's second year and some plan to stop pumping or breastfeeding altogether at the same year (2years) - that I don't think I am doing at all... That gave me a lot of thinking.... Me? Stop pumping (but not breastfeeding)? What if my milk will not be enough for my growing and wriggly toddler? So I did what every mom would do.... I read and read and talked to some more moms to draw out experiences and inspirations... And so I learned that it is just enough, that the kid's source of nutrition is not just the milk but also the food that he eats. Sigh! I know that... Maybe, I was just in denial again or rather had signs of separation anxiety already. I know, its funny, separation anxiety from pumping? Haha! What have I been thinking? Here's the real thing... So you know, I have built a reference to my pumping sessions... They are my holy hour minutes. As a work-out-of-home mom, I feel that my pumping sessions is my way of being connected to my son even we are not physically together. I feel it is something I have to do and feel responsible to. And for the life of me, to have been doing this for almost two years, its like breaking up with your first love. HARD. Period. (And proud to say that I just used a manual handpump - not the electric one... Patience is a virtue! I've got an electric when J was almost 1 year but I never got the groove with it so I went back to my good ol' pump - my breasts' bestfriend. Haha!)

Happy 2nd birthday, J!

So did I stop on J's second birthday? I can't. I chose not to, just yet... It was like braving a storm, no, a hurricane. Yeah, I can  be dramatic and exaggerating. It's my second nature. Just joking. I decided to stop on his 25th month instead...

So did i stop then? Nope... I have a problem with letting go...

I stopped the next day...

Some moms would say "freedom" - for me, "it was like heart break, a split up" *sad, sad* (but I did say freedom too - after several days or so - thanks to tons of work, made me somehow forget about it a little). Why freedom? Some moms feel that having the "holy minutes" for milk expression has made them tied down to doing some other things but have no other choice since it is something they can bring home to their babies - breastmilk. But some moms don't think it's a hassle at all.

Days or almost a month before I finally decided to stop pumping bmilk, I also reduced my sessions to one. So could you imagine how i really programmed myself to gradually stop? I eased my way out. I don't want to stop abruptly... Its too painful (physically and emotionally). I know some moms will agree to this testimony.

Liberating is one word I have used and described when people learn that I have stopped expressing bmilk. It's like superficial every time I say that - I still have the grips - but I keep on saying the word so I can finally digest it and really let go. I am learning.

Do you have a liberating story?

ps. J has yaya number 2 already =) 

My passion and commitment

Like my second post to this blog, the following blog is taken from my multiply site and I would also like to share it with you. This was written when J was still a baby and it is about my early months of breastfeeding. Yes, this is my passion and commitment. I can proudly say that breastfeeding my son has been one of my greatest achievements - and we are still up to it - near 26 months and more months to come (ayayay!) But I am enjoying it (have even pictures breastfeeding in public in my FB page - yes, breastfeeding by demand, anytime, anywhere!). But mind you, breastfeeding a baby and breastfeeding a toddler is WAAAYYY different. And I know toddler breastfeeding moms can attest to that. Would post about it next time =)

Here is the blog:

 

Before I gave birth to Joaquin, I had myself committed to breastfeed. As a nutritionist, I know that it is the best thing I can give to Joaquin after taking good care of him in my womb. Luckily at the time of my pregnancy, our agency has been training government workers on breastfeeding and complementary feeding. I was able to attend the Training of Trainers on Infant and Young Child Feeding when I was six-months pregnant. It was enlightening because it gave me an overview of what I will expect when I will breastfeed my son.

After which, I was really decided to exclusively breastfeed my son…

When I gave birth to Joaquin on 8 February 2008, I was excited to see him and breastfeed him. Little did I know, a test was going to drive me to the brink of post-partum depression.

My mom at first honored and supported me in breastfeeding Joaquin when he came out. I breastfed him during his first days at the hospital, even without or little sleep from an overnight labor (I gave birth to Joaquin at 9:42 AM). But my mom, not well informed of the benefits and common problems encountered with breastfeeding, she was bugging me that Joaquin may not get enough milk from me since he was constantly crying in his first days. I was not letting her get into my nerves (hehe! Sorry mom!) because I knew stress would inhibit my milk flow. She was constantly bugging me that she can’t see milk in Joaquin’s mouth and even from my nipple. Little did she know that the colostrum can be thick in consistency and would not really flow like the mature milk. When we got home from the hospital, I resumed to my normal diet (since I know that I can eat anything even when I’m nursing). My mom again told me not to eat this and that. Well, I just let her talk. Hehe!

February 11 – Joaquin got fever, I panicked. We called his pediatrician, he made me calm down and gave instructions what to do. Joaquin’s fever subsided but spiked midnight.

February 12 – Early morning, I was panicking because Joaquin was not getting any better, his temperature even reached 38.5. We brought him to the Emergency Room of the Makati Medical Center. He was admitted. The doctors told us to stay calm and they will try to find out why he has fever. They interviewed me and I gave all details I know to be sure that doctors can trace why my son is having fever spikes. Their suspect at that time was sepsis infection because I had UTI on my 8^th month, most likely, it is.

My mom was worried sick too. But that also gave her the idea that my breastmilk may have problem because I ate mangoes and drank fruit juice the night before. She told me to ask the doctor about my breastmilk, if its okay and it might have contributed to Joaquin’s fever. But I know it’s not the problem. Hayyyy! Talk about pressure and stress…

During Joaquin’s confinement, my mom would sometimes give information to the doctors coming in aside from the details coming from me. From my mom’s blah blah, she told the doctors that Joaquin may not be getting enough milk from me because he always cry. The doctors then said that he may be dehydrated because he may not be getting any milk from me. But they were not concluding anything because as they said “it’s hard to conclude because our patient is just an infant and can’t tell what’s hurting him.”

After that, my mom scolded me and told me that Joaquin may be hungry already and must be given formula milk. I didn’t want to but they were really pushing me to call the doctor to prescribe formula milk for Joaquin. Even my husband (who is supposed to support me) and my father were up to it because they were worried for Joaquin. I understand their position but I know, I know better. I cried a lot after that because I felt I lost a BIG battle. While they were preparing the milk for Joaquin, I wasn’t the one who gave it to him because I was crying at the corner of our hospital room. I can’t imagine my son taking other milk but mine.

My mom though comforted me that I can resume breastfeeding Joaquin if and when my milk will start to flow. (Not many know that breastmilk will flow if baby suckles frequently from the mother’s breast. During our stay in the hospital, I would still insist breastfeeding him but when they hear him cry, they give additional milk from the bottle which pains me a lot. At that time too, one of my breasts bled – adding up more to my stress – I was becoming hopeless in my trying to breastfeed Joaquin). What I did, I just gave him the other breast and my mom told me to let the other breast heal before resuming. She also suggested that I pump the other breast. I had roller coaster emotions during our hospital stay and it was one of my hardest and darkest moments of my life. I felt I was incapable. When I was breastfeeding Joaquin during his admission, they would give him the bottle in his next feed. It was very hard for me. But for the people around me, they thought it was just normal…

For 2 and ¾ months, Joaquin was on mixed feeding, but I breastfeed him most of the time and every chance I get. My mom would always say, “you are bounded with that and will make you do nothing else but just feeding your son.” I just ignored it and breastfed Joaquin on demand. I also instructed and told our yaya on my goal to breastfeed Joaquin. If I’m home during my maternity leave I breastfeed Joaquin, when I go out, since I wasn’t able to pump in between feedings (haven’t mastered breastfeeding…), he takes the formula. I count every bottle he takes, the least possible bottlefeed, the better.

Now I’m back to work, I express milk in the office three times a day. During my first weeks back to the office, of the 4-5 feedings Joaquin have, 3 of which are breastmilk. The rest is formula… But as I get to master and getting used to breastfeeding, I now also express milk early in the morning to complete 4 feedings for Joaquin and even during weekends. Our yaya and I have made a routine to update each other with Joaquin’s feeding time. I call her before going home from office so that she will not thaw the 5^th extra breastmilk stored in our freezer and that Joaquin’s next feeding will be with me. Talk about love and sacrifice.

Before Joaquin turned 3 months, I made a decision that I will and I CAN breastfeed Joaquin exclusively in the next 3 months. With prayers, sacrifice and determination, I am exclusively breastfeeding Joaquin eversince. It’s been a month and a week and I’m determined to do it till he’s six months and continue breastfeeding him until he is 2 years old and even beyond.

It has become my passion and commitment to breastfeed Joaquin. And thank God I have now my husband’s and my family’s support. Thank God… I pray that He empowers me and give me all the strength I need in my passion and commitment. And soon or even now, I would love to help pregnant women and mothers to prepare and breastfeed their babies. I want to inspire and be inspired.

Breastfeeding at pedia's clinic (waiting in line)

J at six months

 Happy little man!

I am blessed with breastfeeding J. I did not experience severe problems nor super biting baby (oh yeah, he does bite but rarely and just like testing it - i just give him the "look"). Haha! I am thankful that aside from my family, my work and workmates were very supportive. With the environment I have, I was and I am able to continue and sustain breastfeeding J. Thank you so much for all the support and help.

As I've said, breastfeeding has become one of my passions... Surely, you will read more posts on breastfeeding in the future. Our journey to breastfeeding has not been that easy but being determined and supported by people around me meant and helped a lot.

J, near 26 months

Isn't he a cutie? (yeah, stage mom here)

For other moms out there, trying to figure out breastfeeding and even after the exclusive 6 months breastfeeding- I am here to help. 


Do you have your own breastfeeding story?