Liberating

Its been almost a month when I stopped pumping/expressing my breastmilk... No, I haven't stopped breastfeeding - we are still on it and with J showing no signs of stopping or weaning. Yay!

But he weaned early from drinking expressed breastmilk. Around November last year, J just stopped. Just like that. As his previous yaya (yep, bye-bye to first yaya of two years... Nearly broke my heart!) said on the first day he didn't drink his usual breastmilk on the cup, "its as if he wanted to puke when he leaned the cup to his mouth and smelled the milk, and not even tasting it." I got worried, I thought she was giving him a spoiled bmilk. But when we checked the date, it was still ok, so with the smell and consistency. J's previous yaya, for having done thawing and preparing bmik for J for almost two years, she has mastered checking if the milk is right or not, of course, with my assistance and constant information sharing (don't want to call it "lecture" hehe!). It made us wonder if its really the milk. But J has not stopped breastfeeding directly but doesn't like the expressed bmilk. Hmmm... I was in denial at first that maybe J was already weaning from expressed bmilk - it was almost like having a heart break, no joke. So I told yaya1, to try giving expressed bmilk again the next day but still got the same reaction. I wasn't giving up, i told yaya1 again to give him milk the next day and use the milk expressed just the day before that. I was thinking, maybe J wants fresh. But to no avail...

I still didn't give up... Told yaya1 to hold giving bmilk and proceed a week after - thought maybe J is still in trauma from getting his fingers burned. 

J's burned finger

What happened? Read the story here.

Oh well, a week after, J still didn't drink his milk. Gave up? Almost... I was also getting worried that J may not have enough source of calcium. I thought of giving him fresh milk, but he didn't like it.

Sigh! I texted my breastfeeding friends and doctors to ask about J's situation... I know, I could be stubborn. Hee! Hee! They told me its normal and as long as I continue to pump to maintain lactation, direct breastfeed J more often (ayayay!) and give other sources of calcium, everything will be ok. That's it! White flag is up for you, J!

So i pumped and pumped and pumped... Till our freezer swelled with breastmilk... 

Breastmilk in fridge - hoping for J to consume
(already donated the other half of this stack)

I donated to a hospital, to mothers with decreasing supply and to a mother of triplets. Twas rewarding... At the same time, happy that J still enjoys mommy's milk.

Before J turned two, I was able to talk to moms who breastfed and are breastfeeding toddlers, I asked how long they pumped/expressed their milk or how long are they planning to express their bmilk. Most of them shared that they parked their pump at their baby's second year and some plan to stop pumping or breastfeeding altogether at the same year (2years) - that I don't think I am doing at all... That gave me a lot of thinking.... Me? Stop pumping (but not breastfeeding)? What if my milk will not be enough for my growing and wriggly toddler? So I did what every mom would do.... I read and read and talked to some more moms to draw out experiences and inspirations... And so I learned that it is just enough, that the kid's source of nutrition is not just the milk but also the food that he eats. Sigh! I know that... Maybe, I was just in denial again or rather had signs of separation anxiety already. I know, its funny, separation anxiety from pumping? Haha! What have I been thinking? Here's the real thing... So you know, I have built a reference to my pumping sessions... They are my holy hour minutes. As a work-out-of-home mom, I feel that my pumping sessions is my way of being connected to my son even we are not physically together. I feel it is something I have to do and feel responsible to. And for the life of me, to have been doing this for almost two years, its like breaking up with your first love. HARD. Period. (And proud to say that I just used a manual handpump - not the electric one... Patience is a virtue! I've got an electric when J was almost 1 year but I never got the groove with it so I went back to my good ol' pump - my breasts' bestfriend. Haha!)

Happy 2nd birthday, J!

So did I stop on J's second birthday? I can't. I chose not to, just yet... It was like braving a storm, no, a hurricane. Yeah, I can  be dramatic and exaggerating. It's my second nature. Just joking. I decided to stop on his 25th month instead...

So did i stop then? Nope... I have a problem with letting go...

I stopped the next day...

Some moms would say "freedom" - for me, "it was like heart break, a split up" *sad, sad* (but I did say freedom too - after several days or so - thanks to tons of work, made me somehow forget about it a little). Why freedom? Some moms feel that having the "holy minutes" for milk expression has made them tied down to doing some other things but have no other choice since it is something they can bring home to their babies - breastmilk. But some moms don't think it's a hassle at all.

Days or almost a month before I finally decided to stop pumping bmilk, I also reduced my sessions to one. So could you imagine how i really programmed myself to gradually stop? I eased my way out. I don't want to stop abruptly... Its too painful (physically and emotionally). I know some moms will agree to this testimony.

Liberating is one word I have used and described when people learn that I have stopped expressing bmilk. It's like superficial every time I say that - I still have the grips - but I keep on saying the word so I can finally digest it and really let go. I am learning.

Do you have a liberating story?

ps. J has yaya number 2 already =)